After the death of my 24 year old son nearly 9 years ago, I was understandably devastated. The loving kindness my family received from friends and acquaintances, old and new, was a soothing, gentle balm. As I began to venture out, to take walks or go to the grocery store, I realized that the people I encountered had no idea I was a grieving mother, no clue of the pain I was experiencing. But then I realized I knew nothing of what that woman in the canned goods aisle was going through nor that of the gentleman walking his dog. I decided to smile at folks, to make eye contact and just smile. If I received a smile in return, which I did with great frequency, I not only felt better but knew they did, too. That brief interaction was a small act of kindness for us both.
My grief is less acute these days but nonetheless a daily part of my life. I have embraced kindness by sharing it others and also with myself. My mantra as I meditate is “love and kindness…health and hope.” I have my first sips of morning coffee in my garden and I ask God to “ allow me to walk today with kindness, love, peace, faith, gratitude, and hope.” I smile up at the neighboring redwood tree where I imagine my son’s spirit resides and tell him I love him. And I miss him.
I walked with a friend through that journey only after her daughter’s death . I knew her only after but it was a long journey until she died of cancer. I was honored to share it with her in that she felt safe enough to share some of her journey. I am so sorry for your loss and what a wonderful way to cope. I hope that energy radiates to people in need.
Thank you, Mary. Grieving is a singular journey, but it does not have to be a solitary one. You and your friend were both blessed to have had one another.
My belief is that love and kindness always matters. I walk in love each day and hopefully all I meet can feel this. I love turning a disgruntled cashier into interaction that creates smiles. It matters! Our world needs more kindness!
My Mother, Patricia, was unfailingly kind and patient. My father’s job took us to many countries. Invariably, he would have to leave immediately for his new job in a foreign country, leaving our Mother to sell the house, hire people to pack everything, and care for the 5 of us children, who were all within a year of each other. I remember her in an airport on the way to Peru, holding my youngest brother, Timmy, in her arms while she chased the other 3 boys around as they climbed onto a car that was gently circling on a revolving stand. She finally got them off, but they took off in 3 different directions. I was only 5, but she knew she could trust me to stay with the bags while she tried to round up the boys. She finally got them corralled and gave them a firm talking-to, but never raised her voice or was rough with any of them. Many years later I found out she had always been terrified of flying, but hid that from us kids because she didn’t want us to share that fear. She was my role model and I miss her forever.
My mom was terrified of electrical storms which I never knew until high school. Determined not to raise children with the same fear, she would pull back the curtains of the big picture window, and we would ooh and aah at the lightening and thunder. One night as a high-schooler, I was found sitting in my bed with the blinds up watching a storm. My mom burst into laughter and told me the backstory.
Our family situation was similar, in that my father got foreign assignments, started his jobs, and my mother brought us two girls to the new place a few weeks later. She learned enough Swedish to request no anesthesia when my sister was born, and she grew up with German parents, so German wasn’t foreign to her. She had to figure out how to use public transit from the German village my father parked us in to do grocery shopping in a small city. She was not affectionate, but she got stuff done.
Thank you for this memory. My father also “went ahead” and left Mum to wrap things up. She had only two of us to corral, but we moved every two years I believe (my sister and I counted 13 different schools at least). Mum’s love and patience have stayed with me to manage life’s seesaw.
My mom was a very loving, kind person. Much kinder than me, I’d venture to guess. After I finished high school, she went to college for gerontology studies and worked as the program manager in a facility for seniors until she retired at about age 70. She was also too timid to free herself from a marriage to a neurotic, narcissistic person who never really grew up, which saddens me greatly. She taught me some big lessons, though. Show up for people when they need support. Bring food. Clean the kitchen. Keep boundaries when dealing with extreme neediness. Be a good listener (I struggle with this). She really listened. Love your family. Stay in touch with people. She genuinely loved being a mother and it allowed me and my siblings to transcend the difficulties of dealing with our father. My friends loved her. Everyone who knew her did. That’s as much as anyone can ask in life, I think. I miss her every single day.
Love sure beats the atmosphere of hate in the US (and other places) these days. For a country supposedly built on Christian values, I don't see much of them in America currently. Lots of talk; not much "walk."
I was baptized as a Catholic. Not long afterward my father left the church. My mother had converted to marry him. Her Catholic branch of the family had left the church 2 generations before. Her other branch was a hodgepodge of Protestants and so French Canadian Catholics, Irish Catholics, Polish Catholics were 75% of our family.
It did not matter to my mother. She described herself as nondenominational. (We were asked our religious affiliation on forms for school. Try fitting that in the line for “other”.) I don’t know the real reason behind his decision to leave. I do know there was a deep simmering anger that as a child made me afraid to ask. A quiet man, his only hint were rare quiet comments connecting cruelty and the church.
My hope is that having two consecutive Popes elevating love, kindness & caring as a foundation for decision-making is contagious among all faiths, those with no affiliation and our families.
Love is patient and kind. Also, firm. Love is the light that chases away the darkness of fear. Love is the source of courage. And yes, it is contagious. When we attend a rally for the Rule of Law (today's idea of a protest), we do it out of love - for country, family, neighbors and one another.
Love is not about Republicans or Democrats, but it is about America. Stand for it.
When I taught a parochial high school course in Introduction to Christianity to Chinese students, at its core was the Love Chapter in I Corinthians 13. They gained vocabulary, concepts and a checklist to carry with them to measure people and situations throughout life. Although it’s surely not the only place to find those principles, the Gospel of Jesus is why I remain active in my church. I find it’s good to also, in that environment and as Americans, to hold each other to account for the principles we claim to stand on.
As the director of community service, and as an everyday human, I constantly see the reward and two-way enrichment of kindness and Agape love. To even just smile at someone and use their name makes a difference. To offer coffee and a breakfast sandwich and/or socks to someone homeless while exchanging first names is even better. And to step over a neighbor’s sideways politics to practice kindness and love is a definite winner—a greater challenge, but altogether worthy.
Thanks for your essay this morning, Steven. I appreciate you. Your description of your mom’s joys remind me of myself. I hope my kids will remember me as an example of love and kindness as well. ✌️
You were a very lucky man. My mother was not the warm loving kind but she was a good cook like Susan's. So i guess her way of showing love was through her cooking. I unfortunately did not inherit the ability to cook as she did. My younger son seems to have inherited that gene lol!
Ultimately, all any of us can control is our effort level and our attitude. We cannot truly control outcomes; we can only try our best and let the chips fall where they may. We cannot control others; at best we can (very) occasionally influence others. I know how I want to show up in life... not only for my loved ones, but also the barista... the grocery checker... the car mechanic. I'd like to think that offering a smile and a kind word makes the world a tiny bit better place. No on can stop me from doing that.
Thanks for comments about your mother and mothers in general. I look forward to seeing what is written by readers of your Substack.
My mother lost her father at the age of four and worked in the cotton fields of West Texas (Scurry County) with her own mother and siblings. She lived with relatives in Rotan to finish high school. She married the boy who lived across the river at 19 in 1932 and had only one child (me) in middle age. All her life involved kindness to others (especially animals) and I was raised to appreciate education. She was strong-willed and physically strong, always busy.
If we take the long view, love and kindness matter because they affect the next generation and teaches them to be human and connected. Love and kindness also connect us to other humans. We know a bit of what created our current president’s damaged psyche. Anything any of us can do to avoid another Donald or Stephen is imperative.
I believe love and kindness could heal them as well. Anhedonia, the inability to enjoy life, arises when one believes that people only respect/love you for your money.
I think when one is enjoying life, one wants the same for others.
And when one is not enjoying life, the same can be true.
Then there’s the need to prove oneself to a domineering parent, for the respect that comes with that.
There was an interview with DJT @ 20 yrs ago where he says his favorite movie is Citizen Kane because he related to the isolated main character. He also said outright that being rich is isolating.
People develop an ideology to accommodate their circumstances.
However, there’s enough to go around, for MAGA and migrant alike. Glad the new pope is tuned into the well-being of all. Hope he will also meet with US officials.🙏💗
Well, from what I’ve seen, love and kindness are viewed as weakness. The healing may occur between this lifetime and the next. I will leave that to those whose hearts are admittedly more open than mine. 🤷♀️
Thank you Steven for taking time to remind me of how much influence my mother had on who I become as a man. She's helped me to develop character, kindness and compassion.that became the foundation of who I am as a person. My father who at 14, immigrated from Greece in the early 1900's and was a self made man who worked 6 days a week providing for his children. But my mother was the one who made sure we became part of a community and country who believed in social justice for all people. She's no longer with us, but her love and view of the world lives on within me. Happy Mother's Day mom.
After the death of my 24 year old son nearly 9 years ago, I was understandably devastated. The loving kindness my family received from friends and acquaintances, old and new, was a soothing, gentle balm. As I began to venture out, to take walks or go to the grocery store, I realized that the people I encountered had no idea I was a grieving mother, no clue of the pain I was experiencing. But then I realized I knew nothing of what that woman in the canned goods aisle was going through nor that of the gentleman walking his dog. I decided to smile at folks, to make eye contact and just smile. If I received a smile in return, which I did with great frequency, I not only felt better but knew they did, too. That brief interaction was a small act of kindness for us both.
My grief is less acute these days but nonetheless a daily part of my life. I have embraced kindness by sharing it others and also with myself. My mantra as I meditate is “love and kindness…health and hope.” I have my first sips of morning coffee in my garden and I ask God to “ allow me to walk today with kindness, love, peace, faith, gratitude, and hope.” I smile up at the neighboring redwood tree where I imagine my son’s spirit resides and tell him I love him. And I miss him.
Thank you for sharing this, Margaret.
I truly believe in the power of a smile especially when someone’s not expecting it. Thank you for sharing this with us all ❤️
I always forget about mothers who have lost a child. Imagining it makes me sad.
Thank you.
I walked with a friend through that journey only after her daughter’s death . I knew her only after but it was a long journey until she died of cancer. I was honored to share it with her in that she felt safe enough to share some of her journey. I am so sorry for your loss and what a wonderful way to cope. I hope that energy radiates to people in need.
Thank you, Mary. Grieving is a singular journey, but it does not have to be a solitary one. You and your friend were both blessed to have had one another.
My belief is that love and kindness always matters. I walk in love each day and hopefully all I meet can feel this. I love turning a disgruntled cashier into interaction that creates smiles. It matters! Our world needs more kindness!
My Mother, Patricia, was unfailingly kind and patient. My father’s job took us to many countries. Invariably, he would have to leave immediately for his new job in a foreign country, leaving our Mother to sell the house, hire people to pack everything, and care for the 5 of us children, who were all within a year of each other. I remember her in an airport on the way to Peru, holding my youngest brother, Timmy, in her arms while she chased the other 3 boys around as they climbed onto a car that was gently circling on a revolving stand. She finally got them off, but they took off in 3 different directions. I was only 5, but she knew she could trust me to stay with the bags while she tried to round up the boys. She finally got them corralled and gave them a firm talking-to, but never raised her voice or was rough with any of them. Many years later I found out she had always been terrified of flying, but hid that from us kids because she didn’t want us to share that fear. She was my role model and I miss her forever.
My mom was terrified of electrical storms which I never knew until high school. Determined not to raise children with the same fear, she would pull back the curtains of the big picture window, and we would ooh and aah at the lightening and thunder. One night as a high-schooler, I was found sitting in my bed with the blinds up watching a storm. My mom burst into laughter and told me the backstory.
Moms are amazing, and so often we don’t realize it until we are adults & have kids of our own!🥰
Our family situation was similar, in that my father got foreign assignments, started his jobs, and my mother brought us two girls to the new place a few weeks later. She learned enough Swedish to request no anesthesia when my sister was born, and she grew up with German parents, so German wasn’t foreign to her. She had to figure out how to use public transit from the German village my father parked us in to do grocery shopping in a small city. She was not affectionate, but she got stuff done.
Thank you for this memory. My father also “went ahead” and left Mum to wrap things up. She had only two of us to corral, but we moved every two years I believe (my sister and I counted 13 different schools at least). Mum’s love and patience have stayed with me to manage life’s seesaw.
Beautiful
My mom was a very loving, kind person. Much kinder than me, I’d venture to guess. After I finished high school, she went to college for gerontology studies and worked as the program manager in a facility for seniors until she retired at about age 70. She was also too timid to free herself from a marriage to a neurotic, narcissistic person who never really grew up, which saddens me greatly. She taught me some big lessons, though. Show up for people when they need support. Bring food. Clean the kitchen. Keep boundaries when dealing with extreme neediness. Be a good listener (I struggle with this). She really listened. Love your family. Stay in touch with people. She genuinely loved being a mother and it allowed me and my siblings to transcend the difficulties of dealing with our father. My friends loved her. Everyone who knew her did. That’s as much as anyone can ask in life, I think. I miss her every single day.
Love sure beats the atmosphere of hate in the US (and other places) these days. For a country supposedly built on Christian values, I don't see much of them in America currently. Lots of talk; not much "walk."
Love and kindness make all the difference in the world
It determines how we treat each other and how we teach our children and future generations to interact with each other
My parents always said
“It never hurts to be kind”
It costs nothing to smile”
I always laugh when I hear a southerner say, “ bless your heart”
There are people who don’t deserve it, but it is always better to air on the side of kindness and generosity
I was baptized as a Catholic. Not long afterward my father left the church. My mother had converted to marry him. Her Catholic branch of the family had left the church 2 generations before. Her other branch was a hodgepodge of Protestants and so French Canadian Catholics, Irish Catholics, Polish Catholics were 75% of our family.
It did not matter to my mother. She described herself as nondenominational. (We were asked our religious affiliation on forms for school. Try fitting that in the line for “other”.) I don’t know the real reason behind his decision to leave. I do know there was a deep simmering anger that as a child made me afraid to ask. A quiet man, his only hint were rare quiet comments connecting cruelty and the church.
My hope is that having two consecutive Popes elevating love, kindness & caring as a foundation for decision-making is contagious among all faiths, those with no affiliation and our families.
Love is patient and kind. Also, firm. Love is the light that chases away the darkness of fear. Love is the source of courage. And yes, it is contagious. When we attend a rally for the Rule of Law (today's idea of a protest), we do it out of love - for country, family, neighbors and one another.
Love is not about Republicans or Democrats, but it is about America. Stand for it.
https://gregconners.substack.com/p/standing-up-and-defending-the-country
Thanks for the prompt!
When I taught a parochial high school course in Introduction to Christianity to Chinese students, at its core was the Love Chapter in I Corinthians 13. They gained vocabulary, concepts and a checklist to carry with them to measure people and situations throughout life. Although it’s surely not the only place to find those principles, the Gospel of Jesus is why I remain active in my church. I find it’s good to also, in that environment and as Americans, to hold each other to account for the principles we claim to stand on.
As the director of community service, and as an everyday human, I constantly see the reward and two-way enrichment of kindness and Agape love. To even just smile at someone and use their name makes a difference. To offer coffee and a breakfast sandwich and/or socks to someone homeless while exchanging first names is even better. And to step over a neighbor’s sideways politics to practice kindness and love is a definite winner—a greater challenge, but altogether worthy.
Thanks for your essay this morning, Steven. I appreciate you. Your description of your mom’s joys remind me of myself. I hope my kids will remember me as an example of love and kindness as well. ✌️
You were a very lucky man. My mother was not the warm loving kind but she was a good cook like Susan's. So i guess her way of showing love was through her cooking. I unfortunately did not inherit the ability to cook as she did. My younger son seems to have inherited that gene lol!
Beautiful reminder
Ultimately, all any of us can control is our effort level and our attitude. We cannot truly control outcomes; we can only try our best and let the chips fall where they may. We cannot control others; at best we can (very) occasionally influence others. I know how I want to show up in life... not only for my loved ones, but also the barista... the grocery checker... the car mechanic. I'd like to think that offering a smile and a kind word makes the world a tiny bit better place. No on can stop me from doing that.
Thanks for comments about your mother and mothers in general. I look forward to seeing what is written by readers of your Substack.
My mother lost her father at the age of four and worked in the cotton fields of West Texas (Scurry County) with her own mother and siblings. She lived with relatives in Rotan to finish high school. She married the boy who lived across the river at 19 in 1932 and had only one child (me) in middle age. All her life involved kindness to others (especially animals) and I was raised to appreciate education. She was strong-willed and physically strong, always busy.
Spreading love and kindness in the world begins with practicing it within—it all starts with how you treat yourself.
Absolutely ❤️♾️
If we take the long view, love and kindness matter because they affect the next generation and teaches them to be human and connected. Love and kindness also connect us to other humans. We know a bit of what created our current president’s damaged psyche. Anything any of us can do to avoid another Donald or Stephen is imperative.
I believe love and kindness could heal them as well. Anhedonia, the inability to enjoy life, arises when one believes that people only respect/love you for your money.
I think when one is enjoying life, one wants the same for others.
And when one is not enjoying life, the same can be true.
Then there’s the need to prove oneself to a domineering parent, for the respect that comes with that.
There was an interview with DJT @ 20 yrs ago where he says his favorite movie is Citizen Kane because he related to the isolated main character. He also said outright that being rich is isolating.
People develop an ideology to accommodate their circumstances.
However, there’s enough to go around, for MAGA and migrant alike. Glad the new pope is tuned into the well-being of all. Hope he will also meet with US officials.🙏💗
Well, from what I’ve seen, love and kindness are viewed as weakness. The healing may occur between this lifetime and the next. I will leave that to those whose hearts are admittedly more open than mine. 🤷♀️
Thank you Steven for taking time to remind me of how much influence my mother had on who I become as a man. She's helped me to develop character, kindness and compassion.that became the foundation of who I am as a person. My father who at 14, immigrated from Greece in the early 1900's and was a self made man who worked 6 days a week providing for his children. But my mother was the one who made sure we became part of a community and country who believed in social justice for all people. She's no longer with us, but her love and view of the world lives on within me. Happy Mother's Day mom.